What IF?

WHAT IF MAY NAGSABI SAYO NITO:

01. ang arte mo!
• mas arte ka!

02. mas matalino naman ako sayo?
• mas charming man sab ko... padaghanay na lng ug na uyab? hehehe.

03. crush ako ng crush mo?
• imo na lng na ako crush. unsay labot nko?

04. ang bobo mo pala sa math!
• cge lng bright man amo silingan. xa ra man tig himo ako assignments.

05. bilisan mo naman!
• lets take it slow. anywhere you wanna go. baby for you, i'll lay it all on the line. You ought to know girl I ain't got nowhere to go. i'll give it to you, only to you. we gotta take it real slow.

06. ang sungit mo!
• charming man fud. bleh! bleh! bleh!

07. gusto mo ng away?
• lets make love... not war. peace!

08. takot ka ata sakin eh?
• matagal na akong takot sau!

09. mas mahal niya ko!
• wla nay barato karon. mahal naman gani NFA.

10. ang bababa naman ng mga grades mo
• unsaon man sab ang sobrang grado? mapakaon ba na sa iro?

11. ang pangit mo!
• kung panget ko unsa na lng kaha ka?

12. late ka na naman!
• better late than never. hehe.

13. di kita namiss...
• harsh man kaau ka oink.

14. ang boring mong kausap
• its bcoz i dont like your company.

15. ang tamad mo!
• aanhin pa ang katulong? joke leng!

16. bingi ka ba?
• im blind, not deaf.

17. mas talented ako sayo!
• its bcoz wla pa nimo nakita ako pnakatago-tago nga talent. *grins*

18. ambisyoso!
• nya gwapo ka? tisoy ka? datu ka? naa kay bolitas? hehe

19. duwag!
• a person who runs from a fight gets to live to fight another day. hahaha! kasabot ka ato?

20. break na tayo
• your loss, not mine. tagem!

WHAT IF SINABI SAYO TOH NG CRUSH MO:
01. crush kita.
• pagsure oink!

02. hindi kita mahal.
• mas hindi kita mahal. ambisyosa!

03. mahal na kita.
• bukas na lng kita mamahalin... hehehe.

04. pakopya naman ng assignment.
• sureness, basta libreha ko ug kaon unya.

05. crush ko un friend mo.
• crush ko rin un friend ko hahaha.

06. pwedeng patabi sa upuan?
• nka crush ka nako no? aminin?!

07. pwede mo ba akong isayaw?
• slow dance lng ha aron sweet.

08. feeling ko may gusto ka sakin.
• did u mean baga kag nawong? hahaha.

09. ang cute mong mag-smile.
• smile pa lng na, w8 til u get to know me better. bwahahaha!

Worst Cellphone Offenders

Are You One Of Them?

Cell phones -- not since second-hand smoke has anything caused such consistent public outrage. But, unlike smoking, cell phones aren't typically life-threatening.

So why do we react so strongly when people use them in public?

Hmmm, could it be because cell phones tend to turn otherwise polite people into rude, self-absorbed oafs? Here are the 11 cell phone offenses that annoy us the most ... along with our recommended penalties.

Gadget Geek

Offense: Wearing two or more wireless devices on your belt at once -- especially ones that blink.

How Hot It Makes Us: Mild

Recommended Penalty: The snickers these nerds get behind their backs should be punishment enough.

Bluetooth Bozo

Offense: Wearing a hands-free headset when not actually talking on the phone. Are they trying to look important or do they just not have a better place to put it?

How Hot It Makes Us: Mild

Recommended Penalty: Scream "It's not 2005" into the bozo's free ear.

Ringtone Reject

Offense: Still thinking annoying ringtones are funny and repeatedly sharing this "hilarity" with everyone within hearing distance.

How Hot It Makes Us: Medium

Recommended Penalty: Stick the offender in a soundproof room and play a synthesized version of La Cucaracha over and over and over ...

Silent-Mode Slacker

Offense: Forgetting to turn the ringer off during public performances such as movies, concerts, church sermons, class lectures, weddings, funerals, office meetings, etc.

How Hot It Makes Us: Medium

Recommended Penalty: This guy has the right idea: Angry Professor Vs. Cell Phone. Need we say more?

Public Space Invaders

Offense: Subjecting defenseless others to banal phone chatter in places they can not escape (e.g. public library, bus, gym).

How Hot It Makes Us: Medium

Recommended Penalty: If cell phone use is banned, alert an authority figure so they can kick 'em to the curb. If not, a dirty stare may not stop it, but it'll make you feel better.

Rebel Yeller

Offense: Speaking louder on the mobile than in person or on any other phone.

How Hot It Makes Us: Medium

Recommended Penalty: If the offender is simply not aware of his decibel level, a look and raised eyebrow may remind him to curb the volume. If not, join in. Clearly the offender wants to include everyone in the convo.

TMI Guy

Offense: Talking on the phone while in the middle of, well, um, doing "personal business."

How Hot It Makes Us: Medium

Recommended Penalty: Put the TMI Talker on speaker phone and take bets on how long he takes or play "guess the noise." Let him in on the fun when he's done.

Self Centered Shopper

Offense: Talking on the cell phone while placing an order or paying the cashier.

How Hot It Makes Us: Spicy

Recommended Penalty: Simply say "Let me know when you're ready," and skip over the offender to help the next person in line. If she gets annoyed, tell her you were taught not to interrupt someone while they are talking.

Social Snubber

Offense: Texting/talking on the cell phone when with someone else. Basically, the offender is telling the people he's with that they aren't as important as the person on the phone.

How Hot This Makes Us: Spicy

Recommended Penalty: Unless it's an emergency, tell the offender to reschedule when he's free and walk away.

Menacing Mobiler

Offense: Swearing, arguing or talking violently within hearing distance of kids and other sensitive ears.

How Hot It Makes Us: Super Spicy

Recommended Penalty: Handle this offender with care. Leave the area if possible. If not, let the authorities handle it. Don't risk your own safety just to make a point.

Motor Mouth

Offense: Dialing, texting, or engaging in phone chatter while driving.

How Hot It Makes Us: Blazin'

Recommended Penalty: This one is literally life or death -- so we recommend handing it off to the real law enforcers!

How to Handle Offenders

Here's how to stand up for yourself against cell phone offenders:

1. Keep Your Cool If you give the offender the benefit of the doubt, you're less likely to lose your temper.

2. Be Polite, Yet Powerful Speak your peace firmly, but without anger.

3. Watch Your Body Language Don't clench your teeth or wag your finger.

4. Let It Go Don't be a cell phone cop and take matters in your own hands. Walk away or find someone in a position of authority to address the situation.

Q & A Portion Part 4

1. Latest na na-realize mo?
* na realize jud nko nga dako lagi ako left nga itlog compared sa right. tungod ba ni kay left-handed ko?
.
2.Dapat gawin pag nalulungkot?
* eat then listen rock music then eat again then eat some more
.
3. Pangarap mong gawin na hindi mo pa nagagawa?
* gawing panget face ko... lisod au ning charming ta oink. hehe.
.
4. Favorite food?
* pizza! ice cream! french fries! french kiss! diving! aw d naman dei na food.
.
5. Favorite Place To Be?
* kanang naay suga na "patay, sindi" hahaha.
.
6.What's the title of the song that's stuck in your mind?
* what about love? what about feelings? what about trust? what about faith? and tell me baby what about us? huhuhuhu.
.
7. Pangarap mong summer get-away trip?
* basilan or tawi-tawi... mag sight seeing.
.
8.Isang bagay na hinding hindi mo tatanggihan?
* Wisdom and knowledge... char! considered ba na nga bagay?
9. Masayang libangan kapag umuulan?
* libangan?? sa banyo ra malibang oink kinahanlan pa ba mo ulan aron malibang? hahahaha.
.
10. Isang bagay na pag-iipunan mo nang husto?
* ako dream house. keep on dreaming. hahayz!
.
11. Gagawin mo sa susunod mong birthday?
* save the planet earth!
.
12. Hindi mo makayanan o matagalan?
* rats!!!!
.
13. Gusto mong panoorin sa sine?
* bisan unsa ra ang importante ikaw ako kauban hehe.
.
14. Do you love cooking?
* yup! gus2 mo ipagluto kta? butangan nako ug lanit aron mamatay naka. hmf!
.
15. Paano ka ma-badtrip?
* walk-out the door or keep silence. hehe
.
16. Matagal ka ba maligo?
* depende kung kinsa ako kauban maligo ug depende sa sabot hehe.
.
17. kumakain ka ba ng vegetables?
* of course! french fries! hahaha.
18. Tamad ka?
* msa tamad ka! hmf!
19. Sino palagi mong kausap sa phone?
* wla mka tawag sa house kay nkaonline ko pirmi. dial up ra man gud ako net wahahaha. tot tot tot tot tot.
.
20. Sino palagi mong ka-text?
* c SMART ug c 258. mao ra jud nagmahal sa akoa ke mao ra cge txt nko.

Joke Time!

Misis: Darling, ano ang tawag sa isang asawa na sexy,

maganda, hindi

selosa, mapagmahal, masipag, mapagkalinga, masarap magluto?

Mister: Guni-guni!

************ ********* ********* ********* *********

********* *********

********* ********* ********* ********* ********* *******

TANONG: Paano mo sasabihin sa isang babae na mataba siya

nang hindi siya

mababastos?

SAGOT: "Uhm, excuse me, miss...Mang Tomas ba ang

lotion mo?"

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********* *********

********* ********* ********* ********* ********* *******

Aanhin ko ang napakalaking bahay, mamahaling sasakyan,

milyun-milyong

kayamanan, at masasarap

na pagkain kung ang kapit-bahay ko ang may-ari ng mga

iyun?!

************ ********* ********* ********* *********

********* *********

********* ********* ********* ********* ********* *******

Nanay: Ano 'tong malaking zero sa test paper mo?

Anak : Hindi po 'yan zero, 'Nay. Naubusan lang ng star ang teacher ko kaya binigyan niya ako

ng moon! Moon la ng 'yan, 'Nay, promise!

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Mga sikat na salawikain:

Better late than pregnant.

Kapag may tiyaga, good luck!

Aanhin pa ang damo...kabayo ba ako?

Do unto others, then, run! Run! Run!

Ang hindi magmahal sa sariling wika ay lumaki sa ibang bansa.

Ang lalaking nagigipit, sa bakla kumakapit.

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********* *********

********* ********* ********* ********* ********* *******

Guro: Sino si Jose Rizal?

Juan: Di ko po kilala.

Guro: Ikaw Pepe?

Pepe: Di ko rin po kilala..

Guro: Di nyo kilala si Jose Rizal?

Pedro: Ma'm, baka po sa kabilang section sya!

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********* *********

********* ********* ********* ********* ********* *******

Paano humamon ng AWAY ang ... BULAG?

Magpakita kayo mga Duwag!

DULING?

Isa Isa Lang! para patas ang Laban!

PILAY?

Patay kung Patay! Walang Takbuhan!

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********* *********

********* ********* ********* ********* ********* *******

Husband: Kung di ako makaligtas sa operasyon ko bukas, ikaw

na sana ang bahala sa lahat-lahat... I LOVE YOU!

Wife: Tumigil ka! wala pang namamatay sa TULI!

************ ********* ********* ********* *********

********* *********

********* ********* ********* ********* ********* *******

Pedro: Pare balita ko bading ka daw. totoo ba?!

Ambo: Pare, Mga chismax lang 'yun galing sa mga chuvanes na walang magawa sa mga chenilyn

nila.... chura nila! hmpf!

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********* *********

********* ********* ********* ********* ********* *******

Boy: Di na tuloy ang kasal natin

Girl: Bakit?!

Boy: Kuya mo kasi eh!

Girl: Hindi no! Gusto ka ng Kuya ko!

Boy: Yun nga eh...gusto ko rin ang kuya mo!

************ ********* ********* ********* *********

********* *********

********* ********* ********* ********* ********* *******

Juan: San ka galing?

Pedro: Sementeryo, libing ng byenan ko.

Juan: E bakit puro kamot ang mukha at braso mo?

Pedro: Mahirap ilibing eh... Lumalaban!!

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********* ********* ********* ********* ********* *******

BALIW (tumawag sa mental hospital): Hello... may tao po ba sa Room 168?

Telephone Operator: Wala po, bakit?

Baliw: Check ko lang kung nakatakas talaga ako!

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********* *********

********* ********* ********* ********* ********* *******

Misis: Lolokohin ko mister ko, magpapanggap ako na prosti

dito sa kanto. (Timing dumaan ang mister nya...)

Misis: Pogi! available ako ngayon, pwede ka ba?

Mister: Yoko sayo...kamukha mo misis ko!

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********* *********

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Bigo ka ba sa luv? eto mga gud partner...

Kuba: Mapagkumbaba

Pilay: Hindi ka tatakbuhan

Bulag: walang paki sa looks mo

Pipi: Hindi nagbibitiw ng bad words

Duling: Hindi ka hahayaang mag-isa!

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American guy named Paul challenged a Filipino:

American: Use my name 4 times in a sentence!

Pedro: Paul, be carePaul, you might Paul in the swimming Paul.

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Biyaya na makukuha sa Gulay:

AMPALAYA - pampapula ng dugo

KALABASA - pampalinaw ng mata

TALONG - pampatirik ng mata

MANI - pampatirik ng TALONG. Ay! nalito na ako.

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Quote for the Day...

Ang Buhay ay parang bato...it's Hard.

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Love is a hidden fire, a pleasant sore, a soothing pain, an agreeable torment, a sweet wound, in short - a gentle death!

Ang lalim! Shit! Dati Love is blind lang, eh!

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********* *********

********* ********* ********* ********* ********* *******

Mister: Di ko na kaya problema ko!

Misis: Hon, problema natin ito, tayo ang magkasama sa buhay, lahat ng problema mo problema ko... ano problema natin?

Mister: Nabuntis natin si Inday, tayo ang ama!

************ ********* ********* ********* *********

********* *********

********* ********* ********* ********* ********* *******

Kapag may kaaway ka, tandaan mo...dito lang ako... dito lang talaga ako...tapos dyan ka lang, wag kang pupunta dito! Baka madamay ako.

************ ********* ********* ********* *********

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********* ********* ********* ********* ********* *******

Prospective Employer to Applicant: " So why did you leave your previous job?"

Applicant: " The company relocated and they did not tell me where!"

************ ********* ********* ********* *********

********* *********

********* ********* ********* ********* ********* *******

babae: nong! sakay ko!

drivr: cge! asa man ka?

bbae: diha lang sa kanto! naay bayad ang bata?

drivr: ay libre lang kay duol man.

bbae: ah, ang mosabak naay bayad?

drivr: wala gihapon!

bbae: cge nak! sabaka ko...

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********* ********* ********* ********* ********* *******

Customer: Day, kape.

Tindera: Tag P10 na ra ba.

Customer: Diba tag P8 ra na?

Tindera: Nimahal naman gud ang gasolina.

Customer: Ah, ayaw na lang butangig gasolina!

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********* ********* ********* ********* ********* *******

TEACHER: give me a tag question.

PUPIL: My teacher is beautiful, isn't she?

TEACHER: Very good! Ibinisaya, dong.

PUPIL: Ang akong maestra gwapa, wa sya kuyapi?

************ ********* ********* ********* *********

********* *********

********* ********* ********* ********* ********* *******

anak: ma, busog nako, dili nako mahurot

mama: hutda dyud na! kabaw baka nga daghan gipang gutom sa kalibutan?

anak: nya kung ako ni hutdon, mabusog sila?!

************ ********* ********* ********* *********

********* *********

********* ********* ********* ********* ********* *******

Doc: Ma'am, naa kay breast cancer.

Ma'am: ha? tinuod ka doc? dili man ko katuo sa imong gisulti! i'm healthy! naa pa ka second opinion?

Doc: Bati pa jud kag nawong!

Stellar

by: aymtorn

Not long time ago, you came into my life
But it felt like I've known you forever.
And the moment I touched your hand
I just know I will fall in love with you.

No palette of shades can paint my heart
Nor amount of words can ever describe
How madly, deeply in love I am with you.
I will trade anything just to see you smile.

You're the best thing that ever happened to me
And I don't want to live my life without you.
I don't care what will tomorrow bring
As long as you are there beside me.

I am sorry if at times we don't get along
And I'm sorry if at times I make you sad.
It's just that sometimes I don't feel
I am that important to you at all.

But I can never stop myself dreaming of you.
My care for you will not come to an end.
Know that my feelings for you are true
And I will spend my lifetime in love with you...

Call Center Jobs

PEOPLE WONDER WHY THEY ARE PAID SO MUCH FOR JUST BEING ON THE PHONE. TAKE A LOOK:

1) Tech Support: "I need you to right-click on the Open Desktop."
Customer: "Ok."
Tech Support: "Did you get a pop-up menu?"
Customer: "No."
Tech Support: "Ok. Right click again. Do you see a pop-up menu?"
Customer "No." Tech Support:: "Ok, sir. Can you tell me what you
have
done up until this
point?"

Customer: "Sure, you told me to write 'click' and I wrote 'click'."


2) Customer: "I received the software update you sent,but I am still
getting the same error
message.
" Tech Support:" Did you install the update?"
Customer: "No. Oh, am I supposed to install it to get it to work?"


3). Customer: "I'm having trouble installing Microsoft Word."
TechSupport:: "Tell me what you've done."
Customer: "I typed 'A:SETUP'."!
Tech Support:: "Ma'am, remove the disk and tell me what it says."
Customer:: "It says '[PC manufacturer] Restore and Recovery disk'."
Tech Support:: "Insert the MS Word setup disk."
Customer:: "What?"
Tech Support: "Did you buy MS word?"
Customer: "No..."

4). Customer:: "Do I need a computer to use your software?"
TechSupport:: ?!%#$


5). Tech Support:: "Ok, in the bottom left hand side of the screen,can
you
see the 'OK'
button displayed?"

Customer: "Wow. How can you see my screen from there?"

6) Tech Support:: "What type of computer do you have?"
Customer:: "A white one."

7). Tech Support:: "Type 'A:' at the prom pt."
Customer:: "How do you spell that?"

8 ) Tech Support: "What's on your screen right now?"
Customer: "A stuffed animal that my boyfriend got me at the grocery
store."

9). Tech Support:: "What operating system are you running?"
Customer: "Pentium."

10). Customer: "My computer's telling me I performed an
illegal abortion."


11) Customer: "I have Microsoft Exploder."

12) Customer: "How do I print my voice mail?"

13) Customer: "You've got to fix my computer. I urgently need to print
document, but the computer won't boot properly."
Tech Support: "What does it say?"
Customer: "Something about an error and non-system disk."
Tech Support: "Look at your machine. Is there a floppy inside?"
Customer: "No, but there's a sticker saying there's an Intel
inside."

14). Tech Support: "Just call us back if there's a problem. We're open 24
hours."
Customer: "Is that Eastern time?"

15). Tech Support:: "What does the screen say now?"
Customer: "It says, 'Hit ENTER when ready'."
Tech Support:: "Well?"
Customer: "How do I know when it's ready?"


16). A plain computer illiterate guy rings tech support to report that
this computer is faulty.
Tech: What's the problem?
User: There is smoke coming out of the power supply.

Tech: You'll need a new power supply.
User: No, I don't! I just need to change the startup files.
Tech: Sir, the power supply is faulty. You'll need to replace it.
User: No way! Someone told me that I just needed to change the
startup and it will fix the probl em! All I need is for you to tell me the command.

10 minutes later, the User is still adamant that he is right. The
tech
is frustrated and
fed up.

Tech: Sorry, Sir. We don't normally tell our
Customers this, but there is an undocumented DOS command that will
fix
the problem.
User: I knew it!
Tech: Just add the line LOAD NOSMOKE.COM at the end of the
CONFIG.SYS. Letme know how it goes.


10 minutes later.
User: It didn't work. The power supply is still smoking.
Tech: Well, what version of DOS are you using?
User: MS-DOS 6.22.
Tech: That's your problem there. That version of DOS didn't come
with NOSMOKE. Contact Microsoft and ask them for a patch that will give you the file. Let me know how it goes.

1 hour later.
User: I need a new power supply.
Tech: How did you come to that conclusion?
User: Well, I rang Microsoft and told h im about what you said, and
he started asking questions about the make of power supply.


Tech support: Click on the 'my computer' icon on the left of the screen.
Customer: Your left or my left?

===============

Tech support: Good day. How may I help you?
Male customer: Hello... I can't print.
Tech support: Would you click on "start" for me and...
Customer: Listen pal; don't start getting technical on me! I'm not Bill Gates, damn it!

===============

Customer: Hi, good afternoon, this is Martha, I can't print. Every time I try, it says 'Can't find printer'. I've even lifted the printer and placed it in front of the monitor, but the computer still says he can't find it...

===============

Customer: I have problems printing in red...
Tech support: Do you have a color printer?
Customer: Aaaah....................thank you.


===============

Tech support: What's on your monitor now, ma'am?
Customer: A teddy bear my boyfriend bought for me in the supermarket.

===============

Customer: My keyboard is not working anymore.
Tech support: Are you sure it's plugged into the computer?
Customer: No. I can't get behind the computer.
Tech support: Pick up your keyboard and walk 10 paces back.
Customer: OK
Tech support: Did the keyboard come with you?
Customer: Yes
Tech support: That means the keyboard is not plugged in. Is there another keyboard?
Customer: Yes, there's another one here. Ah...that one does work

===============

Tech support: Your password is the small letter a as in apple, a capital letter V as in Victor, the number 7.
Customer: Is that 7 in capital letters?

===============

Customer: I can't get on the Internet.
Tech support: Are you sure you used the right password?
Customer: Yes, I'm sure. I saw my colleague do it.
Tech support: Can you tell me what the password was?
Customer: Five stars.

===============

Tech support: What anti-virus program do you use?
Customer: Netscape.
Tech support: That's not an anti-virus program.
Customer: Oh, sorry...Internet Explorer.

===============

Customer: I have a huge problem. A friend has placed a screen saver on my computer, but every time I move the mouse, it disappears.

===============

Tech support: How may I help you?
Customer: I'm writing my first e-mail.
Tech support: OK, and what seems to be the problem?
Customer: Well, I have the letter 'a' in the address, but how do I get the circle around it?

===============

A woman customer called the Canon help desk with a problem with her printer.
Tech support: Are you running it under windows?
Customer: "No, my desk is next to the door, but that is a good point. The man sitting in the cubicle next to me is under a window, and his printer is working fine."

===============

And last but not least:....

Tech support: "Okay Bob, let's press the control and escape keys at the same time. That brings up a task list in the middle of the screen. Now type the letter "P" to bring up the Program Manager."
Customer: I don't have a P.
Tech support: On your keyboard, Bob.
Customer: What do you mean?
Tech support: "P".....on your keyboard, Bob.
Customer: I'M NOT GOING TO DO THAT!!