Katawa Sab!

TEACHER: magpaclass picture ta para inig dako ninyo mkaingon mo,

"wow si dodong police na."

"wow si inday nurse na."

"wow si tomas doctor na."

JUAN: "wow si ma'am patay na."

TEACHER: Lingkod animal! Ayaw ug apil ha!

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BOY: Miss, pwede ko bang IPASOK and aking pag-ibig sa BUTAS ng iyong PAGMAMAHAL?

GIRL: Sobra ka namang manligaw, SALITA pa lng NAKAKABUNTIS ka na nang damdamin.

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The cat fell into the water, then the rooster laughed.

Morel Lesson: a wet pussy makes a cock happy. ^^,

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Sa usa ka BUNYAG;

PARI: unsay ngalan sa baby?

AMAHAN: SURF padre.

PARI: d pwede kay ngalan na sa sabon.

AMAHAN: ang ako lagi misis kay PERLA man ang ngalan. unya ako ngalan kay ARIEL man.

PARI: aw, hala unsa man atong ibendeta ani DOWNY o ZONROX?

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PEDRO in war with MILF

PEDRO: surender na mo!

MILF: mo surender lng mi kung ma-spell nimo ang ceasefire!

PEDRO: padayon ang gyera! dugmokon silang tanan. padalhan mo nku ug chrysanthemum sa inyong lubong!

MILF: spell chrysanthemum?

PEDRO: pakyu! ingon ko rose, bungol! patay kung patay wla lay spellingay!

Joke Time!

Misis: Darling, ano ang tawag sa isang asawa na sexy,

maganda, hindi

selosa, mapagmahal, masipag, mapagkalinga, masarap magluto?

Mister: Guni-guni!

************ ********* ********* ********* *********

********* *********

********* ********* ********* ********* ********* *******

TANONG: Paano mo sasabihin sa isang babae na mataba siya

nang hindi siya

mababastos?

SAGOT: "Uhm, excuse me, miss...Mang Tomas ba ang

lotion mo?"

************ ********* ********* ********* *********

********* *********

********* ********* ********* ********* ********* *******

Aanhin ko ang napakalaking bahay, mamahaling sasakyan,

milyun-milyong

kayamanan, at masasarap

na pagkain kung ang kapit-bahay ko ang may-ari ng mga

iyun?!

************ ********* ********* ********* *********

********* *********

********* ********* ********* ********* ********* *******

Nanay: Ano 'tong malaking zero sa test paper mo?

Anak : Hindi po 'yan zero, 'Nay. Naubusan lang ng star ang teacher ko kaya binigyan niya ako

ng moon! Moon la ng 'yan, 'Nay, promise!

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********* *********

********* ********* ********* ********* ********* *******

Mga sikat na salawikain:

Better late than pregnant.

Kapag may tiyaga, good luck!

Aanhin pa ang damo...kabayo ba ako?

Do unto others, then, run! Run! Run!

Ang hindi magmahal sa sariling wika ay lumaki sa ibang bansa.

Ang lalaking nagigipit, sa bakla kumakapit.

************ ********* ********* ********* *********

********* *********

********* ********* ********* ********* ********* *******

Guro: Sino si Jose Rizal?

Juan: Di ko po kilala.

Guro: Ikaw Pepe?

Pepe: Di ko rin po kilala..

Guro: Di nyo kilala si Jose Rizal?

Pedro: Ma'm, baka po sa kabilang section sya!

************ ********* ********* ********* *********

********* *********

********* ********* ********* ********* ********* *******

Paano humamon ng AWAY ang ... BULAG?

Magpakita kayo mga Duwag!

DULING?

Isa Isa Lang! para patas ang Laban!

PILAY?

Patay kung Patay! Walang Takbuhan!

************ ********* ********* ********* *********

********* *********

********* ********* ********* ********* ********* *******

Husband: Kung di ako makaligtas sa operasyon ko bukas, ikaw

na sana ang bahala sa lahat-lahat... I LOVE YOU!

Wife: Tumigil ka! wala pang namamatay sa TULI!

************ ********* ********* ********* *********

********* *********

********* ********* ********* ********* ********* *******

Pedro: Pare balita ko bading ka daw. totoo ba?!

Ambo: Pare, Mga chismax lang 'yun galing sa mga chuvanes na walang magawa sa mga chenilyn

nila.... chura nila! hmpf!

************ ********* ********* ********* *********

********* *********

********* ********* ********* ********* ********* *******

Boy: Di na tuloy ang kasal natin

Girl: Bakit?!

Boy: Kuya mo kasi eh!

Girl: Hindi no! Gusto ka ng Kuya ko!

Boy: Yun nga eh...gusto ko rin ang kuya mo!

************ ********* ********* ********* *********

********* *********

********* ********* ********* ********* ********* *******

Juan: San ka galing?

Pedro: Sementeryo, libing ng byenan ko.

Juan: E bakit puro kamot ang mukha at braso mo?

Pedro: Mahirap ilibing eh... Lumalaban!!

************ ********* ********* ********* *********

********* *********

********* ********* ********* ********* ********* *******

BALIW (tumawag sa mental hospital): Hello... may tao po ba sa Room 168?

Telephone Operator: Wala po, bakit?

Baliw: Check ko lang kung nakatakas talaga ako!

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********* *********

********* ********* ********* ********* ********* *******

Misis: Lolokohin ko mister ko, magpapanggap ako na prosti

dito sa kanto. (Timing dumaan ang mister nya...)

Misis: Pogi! available ako ngayon, pwede ka ba?

Mister: Yoko sayo...kamukha mo misis ko!

************ ********* ********* ********* *********

********* *********

********* ********* ********* ********* ********* *******

Bigo ka ba sa luv? eto mga gud partner...

Kuba: Mapagkumbaba

Pilay: Hindi ka tatakbuhan

Bulag: walang paki sa looks mo

Pipi: Hindi nagbibitiw ng bad words

Duling: Hindi ka hahayaang mag-isa!

************ ********* ********* ********* *********

********* *********

********* ********* ********* ********* ********* *******

American guy named Paul challenged a Filipino:

American: Use my name 4 times in a sentence!

Pedro: Paul, be carePaul, you might Paul in the swimming Paul.

************ ********* ********* ********* *********

********* *********

********* ********* ********* ********* ********* *******

Biyaya na makukuha sa Gulay:

AMPALAYA - pampapula ng dugo

KALABASA - pampalinaw ng mata

TALONG - pampatirik ng mata

MANI - pampatirik ng TALONG. Ay! nalito na ako.

************ ********* ********* ********* *********

********* *********

********* ********* ********* ********* ********* *******

Quote for the Day...

Ang Buhay ay parang bato...it's Hard.

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********* *********

********* ********* ********* ********* ********* *******

Love is a hidden fire, a pleasant sore, a soothing pain, an agreeable torment, a sweet wound, in short - a gentle death!

Ang lalim! Shit! Dati Love is blind lang, eh!

************ ********* ********* ********* *********

********* *********

********* ********* ********* ********* ********* *******

Mister: Di ko na kaya problema ko!

Misis: Hon, problema natin ito, tayo ang magkasama sa buhay, lahat ng problema mo problema ko... ano problema natin?

Mister: Nabuntis natin si Inday, tayo ang ama!

************ ********* ********* ********* *********

********* *********

********* ********* ********* ********* ********* *******

Kapag may kaaway ka, tandaan mo...dito lang ako... dito lang talaga ako...tapos dyan ka lang, wag kang pupunta dito! Baka madamay ako.

************ ********* ********* ********* *********

********* *********

********* ********* ********* ********* ********* *******

Prospective Employer to Applicant: " So why did you leave your previous job?"

Applicant: " The company relocated and they did not tell me where!"

************ ********* ********* ********* *********

********* *********

********* ********* ********* ********* ********* *******

babae: nong! sakay ko!

drivr: cge! asa man ka?

bbae: diha lang sa kanto! naay bayad ang bata?

drivr: ay libre lang kay duol man.

bbae: ah, ang mosabak naay bayad?

drivr: wala gihapon!

bbae: cge nak! sabaka ko...

************ ********* ********* ********* *********

********* *********

********* ********* ********* ********* ********* *******

Customer: Day, kape.

Tindera: Tag P10 na ra ba.

Customer: Diba tag P8 ra na?

Tindera: Nimahal naman gud ang gasolina.

Customer: Ah, ayaw na lang butangig gasolina!

************ ********* ********* ********* *********

********* *********

********* ********* ********* ********* ********* *******

TEACHER: give me a tag question.

PUPIL: My teacher is beautiful, isn't she?

TEACHER: Very good! Ibinisaya, dong.

PUPIL: Ang akong maestra gwapa, wa sya kuyapi?

************ ********* ********* ********* *********

********* *********

********* ********* ********* ********* ********* *******

anak: ma, busog nako, dili nako mahurot

mama: hutda dyud na! kabaw baka nga daghan gipang gutom sa kalibutan?

anak: nya kung ako ni hutdon, mabusog sila?!

************ ********* ********* ********* *********

********* *********

********* ********* ********* ********* ********* *******

Doc: Ma'am, naa kay breast cancer.

Ma'am: ha? tinuod ka doc? dili man ko katuo sa imong gisulti! i'm healthy! naa pa ka second opinion?

Doc: Bati pa jud kag nawong!

Call Center Jobs

PEOPLE WONDER WHY THEY ARE PAID SO MUCH FOR JUST BEING ON THE PHONE. TAKE A LOOK:

1) Tech Support: "I need you to right-click on the Open Desktop."
Customer: "Ok."
Tech Support: "Did you get a pop-up menu?"
Customer: "No."
Tech Support: "Ok. Right click again. Do you see a pop-up menu?"
Customer "No." Tech Support:: "Ok, sir. Can you tell me what you
have
done up until this
point?"

Customer: "Sure, you told me to write 'click' and I wrote 'click'."


2) Customer: "I received the software update you sent,but I am still
getting the same error
message.
" Tech Support:" Did you install the update?"
Customer: "No. Oh, am I supposed to install it to get it to work?"


3). Customer: "I'm having trouble installing Microsoft Word."
TechSupport:: "Tell me what you've done."
Customer: "I typed 'A:SETUP'."!
Tech Support:: "Ma'am, remove the disk and tell me what it says."
Customer:: "It says '[PC manufacturer] Restore and Recovery disk'."
Tech Support:: "Insert the MS Word setup disk."
Customer:: "What?"
Tech Support: "Did you buy MS word?"
Customer: "No..."

4). Customer:: "Do I need a computer to use your software?"
TechSupport:: ?!%#$


5). Tech Support:: "Ok, in the bottom left hand side of the screen,can
you
see the 'OK'
button displayed?"

Customer: "Wow. How can you see my screen from there?"

6) Tech Support:: "What type of computer do you have?"
Customer:: "A white one."

7). Tech Support:: "Type 'A:' at the prom pt."
Customer:: "How do you spell that?"

8 ) Tech Support: "What's on your screen right now?"
Customer: "A stuffed animal that my boyfriend got me at the grocery
store."

9). Tech Support:: "What operating system are you running?"
Customer: "Pentium."

10). Customer: "My computer's telling me I performed an
illegal abortion."


11) Customer: "I have Microsoft Exploder."

12) Customer: "How do I print my voice mail?"

13) Customer: "You've got to fix my computer. I urgently need to print
document, but the computer won't boot properly."
Tech Support: "What does it say?"
Customer: "Something about an error and non-system disk."
Tech Support: "Look at your machine. Is there a floppy inside?"
Customer: "No, but there's a sticker saying there's an Intel
inside."

14). Tech Support: "Just call us back if there's a problem. We're open 24
hours."
Customer: "Is that Eastern time?"

15). Tech Support:: "What does the screen say now?"
Customer: "It says, 'Hit ENTER when ready'."
Tech Support:: "Well?"
Customer: "How do I know when it's ready?"


16). A plain computer illiterate guy rings tech support to report that
this computer is faulty.
Tech: What's the problem?
User: There is smoke coming out of the power supply.

Tech: You'll need a new power supply.
User: No, I don't! I just need to change the startup files.
Tech: Sir, the power supply is faulty. You'll need to replace it.
User: No way! Someone told me that I just needed to change the
startup and it will fix the probl em! All I need is for you to tell me the command.

10 minutes later, the User is still adamant that he is right. The
tech
is frustrated and
fed up.

Tech: Sorry, Sir. We don't normally tell our
Customers this, but there is an undocumented DOS command that will
fix
the problem.
User: I knew it!
Tech: Just add the line LOAD NOSMOKE.COM at the end of the
CONFIG.SYS. Letme know how it goes.


10 minutes later.
User: It didn't work. The power supply is still smoking.
Tech: Well, what version of DOS are you using?
User: MS-DOS 6.22.
Tech: That's your problem there. That version of DOS didn't come
with NOSMOKE. Contact Microsoft and ask them for a patch that will give you the file. Let me know how it goes.

1 hour later.
User: I need a new power supply.
Tech: How did you come to that conclusion?
User: Well, I rang Microsoft and told h im about what you said, and
he started asking questions about the make of power supply.


Tech support: Click on the 'my computer' icon on the left of the screen.
Customer: Your left or my left?

===============

Tech support: Good day. How may I help you?
Male customer: Hello... I can't print.
Tech support: Would you click on "start" for me and...
Customer: Listen pal; don't start getting technical on me! I'm not Bill Gates, damn it!

===============

Customer: Hi, good afternoon, this is Martha, I can't print. Every time I try, it says 'Can't find printer'. I've even lifted the printer and placed it in front of the monitor, but the computer still says he can't find it...

===============

Customer: I have problems printing in red...
Tech support: Do you have a color printer?
Customer: Aaaah....................thank you.


===============

Tech support: What's on your monitor now, ma'am?
Customer: A teddy bear my boyfriend bought for me in the supermarket.

===============

Customer: My keyboard is not working anymore.
Tech support: Are you sure it's plugged into the computer?
Customer: No. I can't get behind the computer.
Tech support: Pick up your keyboard and walk 10 paces back.
Customer: OK
Tech support: Did the keyboard come with you?
Customer: Yes
Tech support: That means the keyboard is not plugged in. Is there another keyboard?
Customer: Yes, there's another one here. Ah...that one does work

===============

Tech support: Your password is the small letter a as in apple, a capital letter V as in Victor, the number 7.
Customer: Is that 7 in capital letters?

===============

Customer: I can't get on the Internet.
Tech support: Are you sure you used the right password?
Customer: Yes, I'm sure. I saw my colleague do it.
Tech support: Can you tell me what the password was?
Customer: Five stars.

===============

Tech support: What anti-virus program do you use?
Customer: Netscape.
Tech support: That's not an anti-virus program.
Customer: Oh, sorry...Internet Explorer.

===============

Customer: I have a huge problem. A friend has placed a screen saver on my computer, but every time I move the mouse, it disappears.

===============

Tech support: How may I help you?
Customer: I'm writing my first e-mail.
Tech support: OK, and what seems to be the problem?
Customer: Well, I have the letter 'a' in the address, but how do I get the circle around it?

===============

A woman customer called the Canon help desk with a problem with her printer.
Tech support: Are you running it under windows?
Customer: "No, my desk is next to the door, but that is a good point. The man sitting in the cubicle next to me is under a window, and his printer is working fine."

===============

And last but not least:....

Tech support: "Okay Bob, let's press the control and escape keys at the same time. That brings up a task list in the middle of the screen. Now type the letter "P" to bring up the Program Manager."
Customer: I don't have a P.
Tech support: On your keyboard, Bob.
Customer: What do you mean?
Tech support: "P".....on your keyboard, Bob.
Customer: I'M NOT GOING TO DO THAT!!

English Words

Contemplate - kulang ang mga pinggan
Punctuation - pera para maka-enrol
Ice Buko - nagtatanong kung ayos na ang buhok
Tenacious - sapatos na pang tennis
Calculator - tawagan kita mamaya
Devastation - sakayan ng bus
Protestant - Tindahan ng prutas
Statue - Ikaw ba yan?
Tissue - Ikaw nga!
Predicate - Pakawalan mo ang pusa
Dedicated - Pinatay ang pusa
Aspect - Pantusok o pandurog ng yelo
Deduct - Ang pato
Defeat - Ang paa (ng pato?)
Detail - Ang buntot (ng pato?)
Deposit - Gripo (Call DIPLOMA if DEPOSIT is leaking)
City - Bago mag-utso; A number to follow 6
Cattle - Doon nakatila ang Hali at Leyna
Persuading - Unang Kasal
Depress - Ang nagkasal sa PERSUADING
Defense - Ginamit na mga pangsulat sa kontrata sa PERSUADING
Depends - Ang bakod
It depends - Kainin mo ang bakod
Shampoo - Bago mag-labing-isha (11)
Delusion - Maluwang (kapag maluwang ang damit,eh DELUSION)
Delivery - Walang bayad.
Profit - Patunayan mo
Balance Sheet - What comes out after eating a balance diet
Backlog - bacon saka egg
Beehive - magpakatino ka
CD-ROM - tingnan mo ang kwarto
Debug - ang ipis
Defrag - ang palaka
Defer - ang balahibo
Deflate - ang plato
Detest - ang eksamin
Devalue - 'yon ang susunod sa letrang V
Devote - ang boto
Dilemma - brownout
Effort - 'dun nagla-land ang efflane
Forums - apat na kwarto
July - nagsinungaling ka ba?
Thesis - ito ay...